Many golfers up and down Ireland will be rejoicing at the fact that golf can restart on Monday. However, in typical fashion the Government just couldn’t let it happen without imposing some form of ridiculous and nonsensical conditions.

So, what is this new golfing version of the infamous €9 meal I hear you ask.

Well, let’s explain:

From Monday golf can restart, but according to Golf Ireland ‘the Irish Government have decided that participants in sport and exercise activity must be from no more than two households. Therefore, groups playing on golf courses during this initial phase must be confined to a maximum of two households’.

Let us examine how utterly stupid this government imposed condition is.

• The statement says the government have decided that participants in sport and exercise activity must be from no more than two households, yet this doesn’t appear to apply to other sports.

• An inter-county GAA team can train in pods of 15. The government are happy for people from 15 different households to participate together in a hurling, camogie or football training session, but golf is limited to 2.

• On the same day as golf returns, the Government are allowing underage sports teams to train in pods of 15. This means 3 children from different households can train together for their team sport but cannot go play a practice round of golf together.

• Three fully vaccinated retired friends who have played golf together for the last 30 years won’t be allowed to play together as a group of 3.

For those not familiar with the ins and outs of golf, the usual maximum number of people who play together is 4.

It is not uncommon for two different groups to be on the same hole at the same time, one group starting the hole and the other nearer the green. Therefore, under this new regulation there could be 4 people on each hole at any given time, but probably less.

The average length of a hole is about 330-350 metres and roughly 40 metres wide. This means the average golf hole is about 4 acres in size. Therefore, the government have decided, in their wisdom, that the social distance required for safe golf is an average of 1 person per acre.

This means, as a secondary school teacher, I am subject to harsher social distancing rules while playing golf outside in the fresh air, than I am in a classroom of 30 students.

One person per acre on a golf course, but one person per square metre in a classroom.

We are regularly told by NPHET and Government spokespeople that we are following the science. Studies have shown virtually no transmission of Covid19 in outdoor settings. It makes absolutely no epidemiological sense for the government to decide that only people from two households can play a game of golf together, when the same is not applied to any other sport.

The absurdity doesn’t end there. Let us look at the situation with golf coaching:

• Golf coaching for children is allowed in pods of up to 15 (therefore up to 15 different households). But when those same children want to play a round of golf they can only play in groups of 2.
• Adult 1:1 coaching is still banned. Therefore a professional golfer cannot give a lesson to an adult member.
• This means that a professional golfer or golf coach can give a lesson to a group of up to fifteen, 17 year olds, but that same professional golfer cannot give a lesson 1:1 to a 19 year old.
• But the professional and the 19 year old can play a round together. Confused yet?

These are all just more examples of the government treating people like idiots and trying to micro-manage peoples’ lives.

In a further twist to the tale, it was announced that from Monday groups of up to 15 people will be able to meet up for underage outdoor non-contact dance, music or arts activities. Perhaps this means that underage golfers could play in groups of 4 if they stopped to dance after every hole or if they said they were playing golf in an artistic way.

All of this means that we can categorically confirm the existence of a uniquely Irish variant of Covid.

What do we know about the Irish variant?

• Last year it knew the difference between a €9 meal and an €8 meal in a pub, but couldn’t tell the difference in a restaurant.
• It knew the difference between someone 6kms from home than someone only 5kms from home.
• It was more dangerous to someone watching a match in person, than on TV in a pub (but only if their meal cost €9 of course)
• It knew the difference between a cinema and a theatre.
• It posed a major danger to someone who wanted to buy clothes but not chocolate.

The strain has now mutated into the 2021 version.

• This new mutation knows the difference between a 17 year old and a 19 year old receiving a golf lesson.
• It knows the difference between someone dancing on a golf course and someone playing golf on a golf course.
• It is apparently more dangerous to a teacher on a golf course, than to the same teacher in a crowded classroom.

Amazingly, many golfers will just accept these measures without question and feel grateful to be allowed back to play. I am looking forward to getting back to play, but I don’t feel grateful for being allowed to do something that should not have been banned in the first place. The evidence overwhelmingly shows little or no covid transmission outdoors. Therefore, there is no justification for banning outdoor non-contact sporting activities at all. These new measures outlined above are beyond ridiculous.

When will the madness end?